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This is the Meaning of Life (Really)

The rain wouldn’t stop humming its nightsong on the roof of the camper as the cicadas sang the repetitive melody of their people—the sound of a spoon being raked against the gentle ridges of a tin can. (I’ve been staying on the east coast with family, which means my own little oasis is inside an RV parked in the driveway.) It’s no big surprise to anyone that I struggle with anxiety nearly all the time, and it’s worse as soon…

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I’ve Made it a Year in Business—And Here Are My Finances

Right now, I’m 39,000 feet above the earth. (Please, for the love of all that’s holy, let’s pretend it’s because I’m a superhero with superheroesque powers, rather than being in a plane.) I just wiped my hand with a piping hot towel, ate a delicious meal of 3-cheese tortellini and some antipasta, and I’m leisurely sipping on some dry, white wine. The first class cabin is more than comfortable, and to put it simply, I feel spoiled rotten. After an…

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I Told My Trade Secrets to a Stranger on the Internet

I shook him awake at 2:43 a.m.   “IT HAS ADELE IN IT,” I said as loudly as I could while still managing to whisper. He rolled over. “THERE’S A WHOLE PDF,” I shout-whispered, staring into the glaring white light of my phone. “SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO BE MY INTERN.” “It’s your turn for what?” “NO! MY INTERN! SHE’S, LIKE, A REALLY GOOD WRITER.” Long story short, I didn’t take on an intern. Despite getting a perfectly executed and completely hilarious PDF outlining…

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Honestly? Getting Engaged Almost Ruined My Relationship

The first time I threw away my engagement ring, I was doing 65 down the northbound highway. I rolled down my window, shoved my ring finger in my mouth, and pulled off the narrow, geometric band with my teeth. I spat it into the aggressive wind, the ring too delicate for me to be able to see it bounce along the asphalt and get crunched under tires. I wanted to see it bounce. I craved to see that crunch. I needed…

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Watch Me Set My Past On Fire. Literally.

On New Year’s Day, I set my past on fire. Like, literally. Sitting down with a notebook and a cup of lukewarm peppermint tea (because I inevitably forgot about in the microwave for roughly 15 minutes as it beeped at me like the damn, nagging robot it is), I wrote out every single grievance I could think of.   There were 138.   About 20 of them were things that happened to me—the time a homeless woman followed me for 7…

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My Nose Is Pouring Blood, So It’s (Obviously) A Good Time To Talk About 2015, You Know?

There’s currently 4 inches of a ripped Taco Bell napkin stuffed up my left nostril to stem the bleeding. (I get bloody noses a lot, which makes me genuinely concerned I belong to a secret and incredibly notable fight club that I’m totally oblivious to. I might be a real life Edward Norton. Tell your friends.) My tastefully nude nail polish—that I carefully slathered on only to smudge it when I inevitably had to pee right after—is chipping down the center. My lips are…

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Let’s Talk About Perfection (And Photo Shoots)

I haven’t written in eleventy billion years because I was too focussed on getting things absolutely perfect on the Brazen Bible’s site. I needed the perfect design, and to mastermind the perfect post to write after my accidental hiatus. (Turns out, running your own company takes up a lot of time. Also, I discovered The Great British Bake Off. Need I say more?) I needed to give off the perfect vibe, so I’d be seen in the perfect way. I wanted…

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