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I “Chose” To Be Happy, and It Actually F*cking Worked

Her naked ass smacked against my arm as she jumped onto my bed, the impossibly thin mattress shifting against its plywood frame. “Will you braid my hair?” She shoved a stiff, tan rubber band into my empty hand, and I knew immediately that she’d stolen it from a newspaper in the community room. I soundlessly nodded, my mouth gaping open like a fish as she turned around and tossed her thick, curly hair over her shoulder and down her back. I started…

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This Is My Body: A Series of Pictures of Me in My Skivvies

This is my body.   It goes to yoga 3 times a week, the sweat curling my hair into wet, face-framing ringlets. It has galaxies of freckles that race along the tops of its shoulders and the highest places of its cheek bones. It feels best with 9 hours of sleep, but can get by just fine on 6. It’s not anywhere near perfect, but it’s mine. My body is 20 pounds under its heaviest weight, which means it’s still heavier…

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I Told My Trade Secrets to a Stranger on the Internet

I shook him awake at 2:43 a.m.   “IT HAS ADELE IN IT,” I said as loudly as I could while still managing to whisper. He rolled over. “THERE’S A WHOLE PDF,” I shout-whispered, staring into the glaring white light of my phone. “SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO BE MY INTERN.” “It’s your turn for what?” “NO! MY INTERN! SHE’S, LIKE, A REALLY GOOD WRITER.” Long story short, I didn’t take on an intern. Despite getting a perfectly executed and completely hilarious PDF outlining…

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Honestly? Getting Engaged Almost Ruined My Relationship

The first time I threw away my engagement ring, I was doing 65 down the northbound highway. I rolled down my window, shoved my ring finger in my mouth, and pulled off the narrow, geometric band with my teeth. I spat it into the aggressive wind, the ring too delicate for me to be able to see it bounce along the asphalt and get crunched under tires. I wanted to see it bounce. I craved to see that crunch. I needed…

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Once Upon a Time, I Checked Myself Into the Loony Bin

“Well, you’re a positive little bitch—I’ll give you that.” The retired sheriff leaned in, wrapping me in her long, wiry arms as my softer ones hugged her right back. “I’m going to miss you,” I muttered into the sharp A-line bob that so perfectly played up her stunning eyes and long, elegant face. She whacked me on the back and stepped aside to make way for the other goodbyes; long, strong hugs from strangers who had all banded together in…

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Watch Me Set My Past On Fire. Literally.

On New Year’s Day, I set my past on fire. Like, literally. Sitting down with a notebook and a cup of lukewarm peppermint tea (because I inevitably forgot about in the microwave for roughly 15 minutes as it beeped at me like the damn, nagging robot it is), I wrote out every single grievance I could think of.   There were 138.   About 20 of them were things that happened to me—the time a homeless woman followed me for 7…

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My Nose Is Pouring Blood, So It’s (Obviously) A Good Time To Talk About 2015, You Know?

There’s currently 4 inches of a ripped Taco Bell napkin stuffed up my left nostril to stem the bleeding. (I get bloody noses a lot, which makes me genuinely concerned I belong to a secret and incredibly notable fight club that I’m totally oblivious to. I might be a real life Edward Norton. Tell your friends.) My tastefully nude nail polish—that I carefully slathered on only to smudge it when I inevitably had to pee right after—is chipping down the center. My lips are…

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